Timeline: 1930
As was the case with Martin Caidin’s previous attempt to
write an Indiana Jones adventure, the White Witch is a miserable slog that will
make you want to gouge out your eyes by the end. Overwritten, meandering, slow and painful are
just a few of the words that spring to mind.
It hurts for me to think about the fact that I wasted many hours reading
this miserable excuse for an Indiana Jones novel. What’s so wrong with it? Everything.
I don’t know where to begin.
(One exception - the cover art is pretty cool.)
Just as an academic exercise, I am going to write a scene
from Raiders in two ways. First, as I
would have written it, and secondly, how Martin Caidin would have written
it.
**
My way:
“You don’t mean that, I can be reasonable!” Marion’s pulse quickened
as the thug tightened his grip on her.
“That time has passed.” With icy malice in his voice, the
man in black stepped toward the defenseless woman, drawing the white hot fire
iron even with her terrified, wide eyes.
“Let her go!” Indiana
Jones said firmly from the side door, his Webley revolver drawn.
Caidin’s version:*
There are three types of tools commonly used to tend a small
fire, such as an indoor fireplace fire, or yule log: the spade, the tongs and
the poker itself. These tools make it possible to handle a fire without risk of
burns or blisters.
A fireplace poker, (also known as a stoker) is a short,
rigid rod, preferably of fireproof material, used to adjust coal and wood fuel
burning in a fireplace, and can be used to stir up a fire. A fireplace poker is
usually metallic and has a point at one end for pushing burning materials (or a
hook for pulling/raking, or a combination) and a handle at the opposite end,
sometimes with an insulated grip. Iron is the most popular metal from which the
pokers are wrought. Brass is a more expensive alternative for a home poker set.
A slice bar has a flatter tip and can be used to stir up the
fire or to clear the grates of ashes. Other fires irons include the fire rake
(not to be confused with the firefighter's tool), fire tongs, and fire shovel.
Many fireplace sets also include a small broom for sweeping
up ash.
**
Caidin’s version would have then gone on for another 10-15
pages, detailing the history of the Webley pistol, its use in the First World
War, and evolving developments in Nepal in the early 20th
century. At the end of the book, there
would be another 10-15 pages explaining how these details are all true! Many fireplace sets DO include a small broom
for sweeping up ash! In this span of these
30 pages, he might then include a line about the “great scientist,” Indiana
Jones, whom he refers to by the nickname “ducks” and also considers a “true
wizard.” To say that the book is
overwritten is the understatement of the century. What makes it so painful, is that this emphasis is always on the least interesting aspects of the story.
I suppose I should write something about the plot. In this book, “ducks” is once again paired
with Gale Parker, a mysterious witch from the forests of England. The story opens with a graphic account of the brutal massacre of Gale’s home village.
This details the horrible torture of Gale’s mother and the murder of
small children. It also describes how
Indy, a great “scientist” from the US, had recently been conducting another
one of his zany “experiments” by holding a contraption on top of Stone Hedge to
capture electricity! And it WORKED! Ducks uses his own brand of magic, and he
calls it science.
Ducks also has lots of friends in the U.K. police
department, and is quick to “bet his bottom dollar” that there is something
sinister behind the brutal killings at the village! (He’s so perceptive!) However, as Ducks believes that “there is no
free lunch in the universe,” solving these riddles will take some gumption and
hard study! As was the case in the last
Caidin book, Ducks is always one step ahead of the rest of the characters and
the reader in that he knows exactly what is going on, but only doles out
occasional hints, keeping the reader completely in the dark. This ensures the reader is disengaged and
frustrated, especially with Ducks.
To help mitigate this frustration, Gale will guess what is
happening through her dialogue with Ducks.
When she (“carrot top”) guesses correctly,
Ducks will exclaim “give the lady a cigar!” and clap his hands. When she guesses wrong, he will shun her, and
she will call him a “party pooper.” Ducks
isn’t afraid to raise his voice and talk tough with the dame, especially when
he needs information (“dammit woman!”). He
also likes to speak at length about things like batteries, including their
average diameter, components and make, and one of life’s great mysteries- the Mobius strip! When
he isn’t betting his bottom dollar, Ducks will “bet a dollar to a wooden nickel,”
further showcasing that he is indeed a “man of mystery with big sleeves and
many aces.”
But, what about the villain?
What is the actual plot? Well, as
was the case with the Sky Pirates, Caidin doesn’t really give a shit about the
plot or the bad guy. We never get his
perspective or learn much of anything about him. We do, however, continue to learn a lot about
Ducks and his interests. Did you know
that Ducks is also a Civil War buff? You
bet your bottom dollar!
As is clear by these quotes – all directly from the text – “Ducks”
bears no resemblance whatsoever to the Indy that we know and love from the
films. He is a smug old coot,
likely modeled after Caidin himself. In
fact, in the explanation at the end of the book, Caidin writes that (surprise,
surprise) he has, like Ducks, participated in several Civil War reenactments
himself! Conversations and descriptions
ramble on for pages and pages, but nothing actually happens. Ducks is boring and actually rather
mean. In my notes, I just kept writing “nothing
happens… oh god, nothing happens…I don’t know what the point is or who this
character is…” Not even a fight sequence
on a zeppelin can save this drivel (unless you want details on how zeppelins
were constructed). Adding insult to
injury, the book breaks with continuity and does not acknowledge the events in
the vastly superior Rob MacGregor book, “Dance
with the Giants.”
Save yourself, avoid “the White Witch” at all costs.
No comments:
Post a Comment